Psycho

As of late, with my RL being so busy and me spending so little time in second life, there haven't been that many reasons for me to write a blog post about something significant or which I feel needs to be shared -unless you care to hear about my children and how awesome they are for the millionth time-, so today I stumbled upon an article on the Huffington Post that I found absolutely brilliant and worth sharing; specially spot on for most dysfunctional second life relationships, which in consequence compelled me to sit and write about it.

"10 signs your man is a psychopath" laid out in front of me, clear signs of manipulation that you go through when in a relationship with one, but in most cases whilst blinded by love and devotion and a great number of factors, you brush them off with the excuse "I'm just being silly, he's a good man and he loves me"; in fact you are NOT being silly and you certainly deserve better.

I am by far and in no way perfect, but I believe I have found great balance in my current relationship with a man who like me, is not perfect -and whined about me forcing him to be in the picture for the article- but loves me for who I am, criticizes me when I need to hear it and is my greatest pillar when I need one and a good friend to my boys.

As I kept on reading through the article, red flags kept going off and I shook my head saying, why did I not see this then?, I was Love bombed so he could sweep me off my feet, seemed perfect and very much like me in every single possible way, was mysteriously and suddenly sick and got better overnight; the sex was amazing but at some point he could never find the time and would make it sound like I was sex obsessed and he simply was doing it "for me". As soon as I tried to pull away -the minute I worked up the nerve to actually do it- he kept trying to get me back, that is until Hiro came along, then there was simply no turning back.

The sad part is that this affects a larger group of people that one would think and most are completely unaware of having been on one at all, so do yourself a favor, read the article linked above and if you feel you have been or are the victim of a psycho, get some help starting here: Psychopath Free, where they offer information and support.

It really makes no difference if the relationship has been in RL or SL, the mental debris and after effects affects us all. If you feel someone is being victimized or going through something like this but are unaware, do them a favor and share this.

My story has a happy ending but this might not be the case for some out there, who realize what they are in for, and it is too late.

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Freak like me

Normal, and adjective defining:
1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2. serving to establish a standard.

That would be the dictionary's definition of normal, something that establishes a standard and follows a norm; most of us like to wake up in the morning and go to bed at night with two conflicting notions, one that assures us that we are indeed special and unique, that there is something about us that justifies our presence and existence in this world, but that is largely due to the fact that we are protagonists of our own story, and then there is the other one, the one that needs to know for certain and without a shadow of a doubt that we indeed fit the norm, follow standards and are nothing different from the rest.

But then again, most of us arrived to second life trying to escape from that norm, maybe out of boredom or as a form of therapy, and those two conflicting notions, along side with the bonds that we make a long the way, keep us logging in on a daily basis, exploring that side of us that we didn't know we had and trying to keep both of our conflicting notions, satisfied.

Like many people in SL, I have loved and lost far too many times, I have loved the wrong guys for the right reasons, dated the right guys for the wrong reasons and I am not ashamed to admit I have slept and ditched quite a few -not as many as people give me credit for-. I arrived to SL partly out of curiosity and mostly trying to find myself while struggling to understand human nature, something that I always struggled with as I was growing up; I always struggled with the norm and fitting the standards, I still strain my brain trying to understand why people do the things they do or keep themselves from speaking their minds or pursuing happiness, when it's clearly within reach.

I am what you would call, in many areas, a freak; it takes a lot to understand me and a whole lot more to tolerate me or let alone wanting to be by my side for long periods of time. I am simple, but can also be quite acid and blunt, most of the time without meaning to, that's just the way I see the world and relate to it. In that constant self discovery that I have engaged when starting my path in SL, while looking for happiness in the wrong places, there have been a chosen few who have stuck by my side all these years -mostly my kids-, not because they had to, but merely because they wanted to-; I kept wondering when mr Right would come and show up in my life, that special kind of freak that would fit just right with me.

Silly me, he was right in front of me all along; my special kind of a freak, someone bent and twisted in the right places, making him fit and click just right. Something I have learned is that there is no normal, it simply doesn't exist, in the end we're all freaks; we all have quirks and issues -unresolved or not- that make us unique and special, which funnily enough creates a norm, in SL -or in life in general- you just have to look hard for you're kind of freak, the one that will finally make you feel like you belong somewhere.

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The Prince Charming myth

He's wonderful, perfect, just what your dreams are made of, and most of you out there will spend the rest of your days wondering where he is and why is taking him so long to walk into your life and sweep you off your feet, making everything taste like candy and looking like rainbows.

Chances are that your prince charming has already walked into your life in one of those serendipitous acts and you have not noticed since you are too busy with a preformed idea of what your better half should be.

Some psychologists say that a map of our ideal partner is formed in our brain during our first six years of age, mapped by those dominant character traits from our parents and siblings, others estate that the ideal partner is embedded in our brain genetically, as our brain forms and develops inside our mother's womb.

Personally, I do not believe in love at first sight, I do not defend the idea of soul mates or that perfect companion that it is out there and will be dumped on our lap by a series of random acts -it being called destiny or fate-, to bring completion and balance to our life; relationships take work, compromise and a daily effort with that person that you found compatible and desirable for a number of reasons, it is on the day by day where perfection is found.

If a potential is not willing to put the extra effort to make sure that you stick around, brush it off and move on, plenty of men out there in that wide world of relationships and dating.

Just my two cents

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Two

Most of the greatest discoveries and advances in all fields, have been done by one single mind who has focused and rejected social interaction, all for the sake of a passion driven goal or a burning need to improve our lives, but there is a need stronger than any of the mentioned above and that is, to be loved, accepted and to find support or shelter in another person or people.

One of the things that the second life platform has taught me is that, in John Donne's immortal words "no man is an island"; you can brag about being self-sufficient, independent and even -pathologically so- almighty, but it can be factual and possible to a point, in the end you will be in need for some cooperative effort to get somewhere. People all come with different talents and perspectives  when it comes to perceiving the world around them, so team work aids one to see things from a different angle and possibly think of things that escaped us.


But beyond our plans and goals as a community, what drives us as humans to be in constant search for that perfect other half? -some call it your soul mates-. According to Aristophanes, in the beginning there were 3 parents, the sun, the moon and the earth, each produced offspring: From sun was produced the man; from earth, the woman; from moon, the androgyne. Each of these three was a double, one head with two faces looking out in opposite directions, four arms and legs, and two sets of genitalia. They moved about on the earth with a great deal more freedom and power than humans do now, for they rolled-ran hand over hand and foot over foot at double speed. They tried to take over mount Olympus at some point and as punishment, Zeus cut them in half -two individuals, sharing a soul-, hence making sure humans were too busy looking for that other half to entertain anything else.

The creatures who had been double women before, naturally sought out women; those who had been androgynous, sought out members of the opposite gender; those who had been double men, sought out the company of men, and not simply for intercourse, but so they could become whole again by being rejoined with their soul mates.

This is of course only mythology, but doesn't stop from being a nice explanation on why we strive and go beyond our comfort zone, risking it all and giving our all to that person we find worthy.

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La mayoría de los más grandes descubrimientos de la historia y avances en todo los campos, han sido producto de una mente brillante que ha rechazado al interacción social, todo por un apasionado impulso de mejorar nuestras vidas, pero hay una necesidad aun mayor que esta y es, la de ser amados, aceptados y de encontrar apoyo ó refugio en otra persona o personas.

Una de las cosas que la plataforma del second life me ha enseñado es que, en las inmortales palabras de John Doe "ningún hombre es una isla"; puedes presumir de ser auto suficiente, independiente e incluso -de forma patológica- todo poderoso, y puede que sea posible e incluso factible hasta cierto punto, pero al final necesitaras de un esfuerzo cooperativo para llegar a algún lado. Las personas vienen con talentos y perspectivas distintas, así que el trabajo en equipo siempre ayuda a ver las cosas desde un angulo distinto y de percibir pequelos detalles que puede se nos hayan escapado.

Pero más allá de nuestros planes como comuidad, ¿qué nos empuja como seres humanos a estar en una busqueda constante de nuestra otra mitad perfecta? -algunos lo llaman almas gemelas- Aristofanes decía que al principio de los tiempos habían tres padres que producían descendencia, el sol, la luna y la tierra; del sol nacían los hombres, de la tierra las mujeres y de la luna los andróginos. Cada uno eran dobles, tenian cuatro brazos, piernas y dos pares de genitales. Se movían por la tierra con mucha rapidez y libertad, más que los seres humanos hoy en día, ya que lo hacían al doble de la velocidad. Un día los humanos intentaron tomar el monte Olimpo y como castigo, Zeus los corto a la mitad -dos individuos compartiendo un alma-, así asegurandose que los seres humanos estuvieran demasiado ocupados intentando reunirse con su otra mitad para entretenerse con otra cosa.

Así las criaturas que habían sido doble mujeres, buscaban solo mujeres, los androginos miembros del sexo opuesto y los hombres, hombres, y no sólo para el acto sexual, sino para poder estar reunidos de nuevo con su alma gemela.

Esto por supuesto es sólo mitología, pero no deja de ser una bonita explicación del porque vamós mas allá de nuestra zona de comodidad, arriesgandolo todo para dar aquello que tenemos a aquella persona que consideramos digna.

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Distance

Relationships are basically complicated, this when it is going somewhere and not just based on sex; once the initial fire of passion dies off, all you are left with is a nice solid friendship, that is if you have taken the time to get to know each other that well.

Real Life and Second life relationships are mostly about interaction of all kinds, hence making your bonds stronger, but more so second life ones which are mostly, long distance relationships and based on the platform, first and foremost.

So all of the interaction that you both have sticks to logging in and simulating real life, and most of the time it can get very close to reality; I've heard of people who have crossed the RL / SL line and have met when distance and time has made it possible. But when the usual interaction channels are severed, how do you deal with distance? do you patiently wait until it's all fixed or rush to move on? are you the type of person that believes that timing is also an ingredient when it comes to love?

I don't believe in fate or destiny, or love at first sight. Relationships take time, work and a clear compromise from both people involved for it to work; most things in life you can do on your own, eating, sleeping, travelling, but relationships, like sex and tango, involves -at least- two people for it to mean something, or else you end up doing all the work and looking funny, it does take two to tango, try doing it alone and you'll see what I mean.

Actions speak louder than words... keep that in mind.

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Las relaciones son basicamente bastante complejas, esto se refiere cuando progresan a algún lado y no sólo se basan en el sexo; una vez que la pasión inicial ha menguado, todo lo que te queda es una amistad solida, esto si te has tomado la molestia de conocer a la otra persona en profundidad.

Las relaciones, ya sean estas en el second life ó la vida real se basan en la interacción de todo tipo, haciendo que vuestros vínculos se estrechen, pero más incluso en el second life, donde las relaciones son todas a distancia y virtualizan la interación de pareja en el simulador.

Así que toda la interacción que ambos teneis se limita a conectarte y simular la vida, y muchas veces puede llegar a ser bastante intensa y real a la vida real; he oido historias de personas que han cruzado la linea del second life  y se han conocido cuando la distancia y el tiempo lo ha permitido. Pero cuando los canales usuales son rotos por cualquiera que sea la razón, ¿cómo te enfrentas a la distancia? ¿esperas pacientemente hasta que todo se arregle o sigues adelante con tu vida? ¿Eres el tipo de persona que cree que el tiempo perfecto es parte también del amor?

No creo en el destino, ni en el amor a primera vista. Las relaciones toman tiempo y trabajo además de un compromiso claro por ambas partes para que funcione; hay muchas cosas en la vida que puedes hacer a solas, comer, dormir, viajar, pero las relciones, como el sexo y el tango necesitan -al menos- dos personas para que tenga algún significado, ó acabas haciendo todo el trabajo tú solo ó haciendo el tonto, hacen falta dos para bailar un tango, intenta bailarlo sólo y sabrás a lo que me refiero.

Las acciones hablan más alto que las palabras, tenlo siempre presente...


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The four corners

Relationships, dating and any socializing that requires some investment on your part is like decorating a room, all people involved in this put a little of themselves in the decoration, making an harmonious whole; each corner of this room represents you past, your present and your future, all of which you share and expose for the sake of the room.

But there is a corner that is meant to be your personal space and which sometimes is neglected while focusing on the rest, or even sacrificed and given for the other person to use, but what happens if one day the whole room crumbles and falls apart and you have no corner to run to, because you forgot it was there or gave it away? where do you run for cover?

This happens a lot more often than people think when you get really invested in a long term relationship, it's not a bad thing to share your future, your past and your present with the one you love, but giving everything you have while losing yourself and your personal space is wrong by concept.

Finding the right balance in sharing and keeping is where the key for a healthy, long-lasting relationship is. Sharing those things that you both have in common while keeping some areas to yourself create greater bonds than selfless self-sacrifice -like I've seen people in SL or RL do-, losing one's identity, unable to act or think independently without you significant other; there's a word for those types of relationships and that co-dependency.

"The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own" Benjamin Disrael

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Las relaciones, las citas y cualquier socialización que requiere una cierta inversión de su parte escomo la decoración de una habitación, todas las personas involucradas en esta ponen un poco de sí mismos en la decoración, haciendo un todo armonioso, cada rincón de esta habitación representa el pasado, su presente y su futuro, todos los cuales comparten y exponen por el bien de la habitación.

Pero hay un rincón que está destinado a ser su espacio personal y que a veces se descuida, mientras que te centras en el resto, o incluso sacrificas y das a la otra persona para usar, pero ¿qué pasa si un día todo el cuarto se desmorona y se cae a pedazos y usted no tiene una esquina a que correr,porque se le olvidó que estaba ahí o renunció a ella? ¿dónde corres a esconderte?

Esto sucede mucho más a menudode lo que la gente piensa cuando te vuelcas realmente en unarelación a largo plazo, no es es malo compartir tu futuro, tu pasado y tu presente con la persona que amas, pero dar todo lo que tienes mientras se pierde usted mismo y su espacio personal está mal por el concepto básico.

Encontrar el equilibrio adecuado en compartir y mantener es donde está la clave para una vida en pareja sana y duradera . Compartir las cosas que ambos tienen en común, manteniendo algunas áreas para sí mismo crear más vinculos que el desinteresado sacrificio -como he visto a gente en SLo RL hacer, perder la propia identidad, incapaz de actuar o pensar de manera independiente, sin tupareja, hay una palabra para ese tipo de relaciones y es la co-dependencia.

"El mayor bien que puedes hacer no es el de revelar tus riquezas, sino revelar las del otro" Benjamin Disrael

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The Sugar Daddy

I've always regarded courtship as working on a business deal, each party wants to get something out of the other one that will ultimately benefit themselves and to get this, they bring something the other person wants and doesn't have; some have looks, others have brains and a few lucky ones have money, or the whole thing.

Some people, this being second life or real life -more so in second life- skip the whole courtship process and get right down to business and this is where trouble starts, you can't seriously expect a good deal if you skip negotiation -I've seen people in second life go on dates and get engaged compulsively and within days-., you seriously need that leg room to get to know the person better, at least that's how I see it.

My best friend in RL has never, in her adult life experienced proper courtship; she's been married and divorced, goes on dates quite often but she has never been swept off her feet and made feel special. In her own words, it's always been her doing the courting. This all changed a few days back when she ran into an old friend who is twice her age and simply put, loaded -as in filthy rich-. So how does a man twice her age, to whom money has no meaning gets a single mom to pay him some attention?. Money is his asset, so he offers courting and all things she has not experienced until then -see what you could have principle-

How ethic is it for you allow a person that you know has 99 % of possibilities of failure, to throw sweet words and get you expensive presents that are beyond your reach? Well, the way I see it, is all in the negotiation; as long as this person knows his chances of success are slim and still insists on sharing his economic well being with you, all is fair in love and war.

https://www.facebook.com/spikecls


Siempre he visto el cortejo como un trato de negocios, cada parte involucrada quiere conseguir algo que le beneficie y que el otro tiene y para conseguirlo, ofrecen algo que la otra no tiene ó que quiere tener; algunos son guapos, otros tienen inteligencia, y unos pocos afortunados tiene dinero o todo el conjunto.


Algunas personas, ya sea second life o la vida real -incluso más en el second life- se saltan la parte del cortejo y es allí donde los problemas comienzan, no puedes esperar que algo funcione si te saltas la negociación de lleno -he visto personas en el second life, quedar con gente y casarse compulsivamente en cuestión de días-, en serio, pienso que todos necesitamos un poco de margen para conocer a la otra persona mejor, o por lo menos es así como lo veo.

Mi mejor amiga fuera del second life, nunca ha sido cortejada en sus años de vida adulta; ha estado casada y divorciada, sale con chicos bastante a menudo pero nunca la han hecho sentir especial. En sus propias palabras, siempre ha sido ella la que ha hecho el cortejo y mostrado interés. Esto cambió hace unos días cuando se encontró con un viejo amigo que le dobla la edad y que puesto de manera simple tiene mucho dinero. Asi que ¿cómo se las arregla un hombre que te dobla la edad y para el cual el dinero no tiene significado alguno, que le pongas atención? El dinero es su mejor baza, así que durante el cortejo muestra todo aquello que podrías tener y que te estás perdiendo.

¿Cuán etico es que le permitas a una persona que sabes tiene el 99 % de posibilidades de fallo, que te hable bonito y te ofrezca regalos que en circunstancias normales están fuera de tu alcance?, el modo en el que yo lo veo, es todo parte de la negociación; siempre y cuando esta persona sepa que sus posibilidades son casi nulas y aún así insista encompartir su bienestar económico contigo, en el amor y en la guerra todo se vale.

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The Sound of Silence

Silence can be comforting, can provide refuge when needed and help better organize one's thoughts, sometimes silence is required but in most social situations, it can create the opposite effect and be damaging.

Silence has also been known to fuel evils, draw distances or create gaps between generations. Silence is a powerful enemy that splits couples every day; so why if silence can feel so good at times, be the source of so much evil? because it leads to assuming.

When people don't speak their mind and let silence do the talking, the other person is left wondering and filling in the blanks with the random bits of information they are provided with and led to -most of the time- wrongful assumptions. It is not the other person's silence however the one that is causing the damage, but your own.

Like the proverb says, in some situations "Silence is also speech"


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El silencio puede ser reconfortante, proveer refugio cuando se le necesita y ayudar a organizar mejor tus ideas, a veces el silencio es requerido pero en la mayoría de las situaciones sociales, puede crear el efecto contrario y causar daño.


El silencio se ha sabido tambien de alimentar muchos males, crear distancias e incluso brechas entre generaciones. El silencio es un enemigo poderoso que separa a las parejas cada día; así que ¿Por qué si el silencio sienta tan bien en algunas situaciones, puede causar tantos males en otras? porque desemboca en la asunción.

Cuando dos personas no dicen lo que piensan y dejan que el silencio hable por ellos, uno de ellos siempre se quedará preguntandose y rellenando los espacios en blanco  con los pedazos de información que les son facilitados y -la mayoría de las veces- hacer que se asuman cosas de manera incorrecta. No es el silencio de la otra persona el que causa el daño, si no el tuyo propio.


Como dice el proverbio, en algunas situaciones "el silencio también habla"

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Take it away

I always say that if something can be taken away from me, the person getting it can keep it as it was never mine to begin with and hence I don't want it. This is something I repeat myself and other people close to me often, as people change and so can relationships.

When we start getting serious with a person, we all -myself included- have the natural impulse of giving our all and letting our priorities shift; we give it a number of names and excuses, however keep in mind that feeling good about being with a person and wanting to share all you got it's fine but you need to save a bit of yourself for you.

All relationships -except parenting and that also includes some will, at least from one party to become parents- are based on will, people have to be willing to be a part of it and also add to the interaction some of what they got, or it becomes one sided -someone gives and gives, the other takes and takes, until what they are taking holds no more interest to them-. Never let anyone make you feel that you are not worth the effort, that them leaving was somewhat your fault... if someone else can take anything away from you and it stays gone, it's not worth keeping, and they can totally have it; something better will come along eventually.

Life is full of choices, no one can choose for anyone, choice is the one thing that's individual.

https://www.facebook.com/spikecls


Siempre digo que si algo puede ser arrebatado de mi lado, la persona que se lo ha llevado se lo puede quedar ya que nunca fué mio para empezar y por lo tanto no me hace falta. Esto es algo que me repito a mi mismo y a aquellos cercanos a mi constantemente, ya que las personas cambian y tambien lo hacen las relaciones.

Cuando las cosas se empiezan a poner serias con una persona, todos nosotros -incluyéndome- tenemos el impulso natural de dar todo lo que tenemos y dejar que nuestras prioridades cambien; le damos un número de nombres y excusas, más sin embargo ten presente que sentirte bien y querer estar con alguien compartiendolo todo está muy bien, pero simpre tiene que haber un porcentage que mantengas para tí mismo.

Todas las relaciones -excepto la paternidad y esta incluso requiere una dosis de voluntad por parte de los padres para serlo- están basadas en la voluntad, las personas entran a formar parte de una relación porque así lo desean y añaden algo de sí mismos a la interacción; de no ser así se convierte en una relación unilateral -en la que alguien da y da mientras la otra recibe sin para hasta que aquello dado ya no mantiene ningún interes-. Nunca Permitas que nadie te haga sentir como que no vales la pena ni el esfuerzo, que el hecho de que se fueran fié por tu culpa... si alguien puede quitarte algo y ocurre de manera permanente, no vale la pena quedarselo y se pueden regodear en que lo tienen, algo mejor llegará a tu lado eventualmente.

Nadie Puede escoger por nadie, la elección es una de esas cosas que es individual.


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